The Rules of the Game

I've never really played soccer so I admit I don't know all the rules of the game. But I know some. I know that you are supposed to kick the ball into the other team's net. And you can't use your hands. But my six-year-old son has taken several soccer classes now and knows a bit more than me. So yesterday when we went to the park I deferred to him.

Me: Okay, we need teams and there are only three of us so I can just watch and referee.

Older son: No. You two (pointing to me and my youngest son) are on different teams. I'm the judge.

Me: It's referee, not judge.

Son: Mommy, listen....

Me: Okay, okay go on.

Son: We can't use a soccer ball. We're using my Bakugan ball because it will explode and a regular soccer ball won't. At level two you both have to play and when one of you gets frozen then the other has to score quickly unless the ball is also frozen, which can happen in this game -- it really can -- and it might happen if you're not fast enough. So you have to be fast. Are you going to be fast.?

Me: (Looking at my flip-flops) Maybe...

Son: So you have to tag the other person, but not if you're frozen or if the ball has exploded because you got the bad guy half.

Me: What bad guy?

Son: Just listen....I'm telling you!

Me: Okay.

Son: Okay, I'm not sure who is the bad guy yet. But you can also punch. But there is a code over there (pointing to trees that back up to Metra tracks) but you have to unlock the code before it explodes...

Me: Before what explodes?

Son: (clearly exhasperated with my ignorance) The ball....

Me: Of course. Go on.

Son: Okay, so mommy, you're it. You're frozen though for 10 minutes and cannot move. He (pointing to little brother) has the ball. And also, I'm going to be frozen too and the only way to unfreeze me is to crawl between my legs. But remember that the ball is fine. Until it explodes. You have to throw the ball at me but you can't hit my head or my legs and if I get back to base first before it explodes or the lock is opened then I'm not it anymore. But you have to let me have a head-start and then only try and get me. But remember I can't be frozen. Okay?

Younger son: What if I get thirsty?

Son: There are no water breaks allowed. (Pause) Mommy? Where is our water?

Me: Right here....

Son: Is it still cold? Can I have some?

Me: Sure....

Son: Okay, so I'm the captain but only until you free me. Or open the lock. Don't forget about the lock.

Me: Okay, fine. What else?

Son: No squeezing.

Me: No squeezing what?

Son: No squeezing necks.

Me: Yes, that's a good idea.

Younger son: I don't wanna play.

Me: No, this is good. Let's play. What else do we need to know?

Son: That's it. That's the game.

Me: Really, that's it?

Son: Yes. Well, that's level two. Levels three and four get much harder.

Me: Wait, what's level one?

Son: Regular soccer.

Game on.

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